Appeasing the Almighty
by Phoenix Lullaby
Summary: [..TwoShot..Complete..] Severus Snape is having a bad day. What can possibly make it worse? Includes dashes of wife, greasy hair and a splash of mayhem! Compliant up till OotP. Collection of Oneshots. SSxHG
1. Hermione's Prank

Severus Snape was not in a good mood.

He had three detentions to supervise, clean up eighteen melted cauldrons in his first year class, avoid upsetting his wife and be on time for a meeting that Albus had called.

He was late, had snapped at his wife as he ran past her, the detentions had each gone on longer than planned, the cauldrons were refusing to be vanished and there was a fight in the Slytherin common room.

In short, he was pissed.

After the meeting, he sorted out the other problems before hesitating in front of his shared quarters. Expecting the worst, he walked in, only to find his wife, Hermione, sprawled out on their couch. Looking up, she scowled at him before continuing to read. As Severus walked past her, he caught the title of the book – _An Advanced Guide to Dispatching Annoying Pests_. Smirking, he walked towards his private lab to brew some of the potions requested by Madam Pomfrey.

After a short while, he heard a rustling sound, followed by a door slamming. Curious, he stalked out to his living room to find a note on the table.

_Severus, you'd better have a good excuse as to why you have greasy hair today. If not, it's all going when I get back – I mean it._

Gulping, Severus looked at his hair and cursed under his breath. It _was_ greasy – he hadn't had time to wash it recently, what with all the problems he'd just had to deal with. And yet, this was the most important person he had to please. His wife. Who he loved more than life it's self, yet he could do nothing right in her eyes. Severus knew she just liked to torment him, to see him squirm because of the power she had over him, yet he knew if she asked, he'd willingly travel to the Sun and back, just to see her happy.

He sighed – washing his hair took hours, because of all the potion fumes clogging in it. His dark mood lightened slightly when he saw that Hermione had left him some new shampoo to try.

Hermione was sat in the Great Hall eating a late dinner with Minerva McGonagall, talking about Severus and his hair dilemma. When Hermione thought back to the note she left, she smiled in glee, causing her former teacher and friend to look bemused.

After politely excusing herself, she walked slowly back to her quarters, wondering if the note had made any difference. Grinning in anticipation, she opened the door to find one very disgruntled, upset, angry and bald Severus Snape.

He looked ready to pounce on her and rip her to shreds about the new shampoo, but upon seeing her holding her sides with laughter, he decided that his embarrassment was worth her amusement. She rarely smiled nowadays because of the war, so anything was worth seeing her smile.

As he politely asked for an antidote, he began forming a plan for revenge.

Oh, yes. Revenge was a dish best served cold.

**AN: **Reviews anyone? What should his revenge be? I've already got some suggestions, but his could be an ongoing war . . . whad'ya think?


	2. Severus' Tries, but Fails

The morning after the incident, by which time Hermione had been sworn to secrecy, and had restored his hair, the pair walked up to breakfast in the Great Hall. Being a Saturday, very few students were in the Hall, so the staff talked quietly amongst themselves. When Severus spied Hermione and Minerva giggling together, his eyebrows furrowed, before remembering this morning. Quietly, he turned his head to his breakfast, trying his hardest to hide a smirk. _Boy was Hermione in for a shock_ was his last thought, before the hall erupted into chaos.

_**Flashback**_

_Severus had just had his hair restored by Hermione whilst she was quietly reading in bed. He had wanted to join her, but told her he needed to speak with someone urgently. Instead, he had rifled through his store cupboards, trying to find a potion with horrible, but harmless side effects. As much as he wanted to prank his wife dearly, he still loved her, and didn't want any harm to befall her. Pausing, he reached a bottle labelled in Hermione's hand at the back of the shelves. Odd._

_Hermione had often brewed and labelled potions for him, so this was no surprise – yet the fact that it was at the back and had not a speck of dust on it was strange. Peering in the gloom at the label, he realised it was a lust potion – enhancing the drinkers lust. However, it would only work between couples, married or not. Smirking, he grabbed the potion, and turned to go to the kitchens._

_On his way there, he encountered several students out of bed, doing things they should _not_ be doing for people their age. Reprimanding them all harshly, he decided to hurry, just in case Hermione started to suspect something. Arriving at the painting of the fruit bowl, he tickled the pear, and immediately went to find his house-elf Toggy. _

"_Toggy, I want you to put this in Mrs. Snape's goblet tomorrow morning at breakfast." He decided to elaborate, seeing the mistrust on the house-elf's face. Sighing, he continued "It is a health potion, for her and the baby. She refuses to take it, and it needs to be in her system, for both their sakes. Is this possible without her knowledge?" Giving the elf his most penetrating glare, he watched as the mistrust turned to fear, then glee at the mention of a baby. Nodding vigorously, he agreed. Severus spun on his heel, and stalked out of the door – purely for effect. _

_Making his way back, he found Hermione asleep in bed. As he took off his robes, he started to wonder where the idea for a baby had come from. Smiling nervously, he hoped she didn't find out yet – she would hex him six ways from Sunday if she found out, and even then children may be out of the option. Sighing, he crawled into bed and promptly fell asleep._

_**End Flashback**_

Back in the Great Hall, he watched on with feigned worry as Hermione's breathing steadily grew more rapid and irregular. Her face was flushing, and he saw her turn to him, with an almost feral look in her eyes. Standing up, she walked past him, yanking him up by the neck of his robes, effectively dragging him along behind her. Severus was mortified. Dumbledore had figured it out, and had it whispered into Minerva's ear. Both cracked equally evil grins, and as Severus rounded the corner, he heard Dumbledore demand the attention of the 500 students present in the hall. He groaned inwardly. This was going to be Hell. However, he remembered, looking at his wife, there were _some_ benefits.

After the potion had been thoroughly exhausted from her system, she and Severus lay on the bed; her head on his chest, he playing idly with her hair. Both were stark naked. Hermione, being the cleverest witch of her age, had figured it out long ago, and summoned Toggy.

"What does Mistress Snape want of Toggy?" squeaked the diminutive elf. "Why did you add that to my drink? Toggy, I demand you to tell me." Unfortunately, Toggy was not just Severus' house-elf. When Hermione and Severus had married, everything they had was shared. So Toggy had to answer to both of them. "Master said it would help you with the baby. Toggy is sorry if he has done wrong…." Here he trailed off, looking balefully at Severus. Hermione just replied sweetly, "That's fine Toggy, you did nothing wrong. You may go now." After he'd left, Hermione rounded on her husband.

"Thankyou for doing that. It was wonderful to see you publicly humiliated. Also, you're banned from coming in this room for 2 weeks." Severus was shocked, but recovered easily. "You don't mean that. It was only a joke – after all, you didn't expect me to take it lying down did you?" Hermione just banished him with a flick of her wand, stark naked, from their rooms.

Severus was stuck. His wand and all his other possessions were in the other room. Just then, Albus and Minerva popped through the Floo for a chat. Severus was embarrassed beyond belief. He ran to hide behind a chair, and wouldn't come out until they had both gone. Scowling, he then noticed a piece of paper under the door to their, no _her_ bedroom. He picked it up, and read:

_Severus._

_I'm sorry for banning you from the room for two weeks. But you know, you don't prank a Granger! (well, former at least). I also thought you should you, you were right – there are two of us in here and one out there._

_Much Love_

_Hermione and Baby_

Severus was floored.

**AN: **I'm putting this one on the back burner for a while – if I get any more ideas, then they will be posted, but it's more a collection of oneshots more than anything. I also think it's a good place to stop. Any ideas though, are still welcome!


End file.
